Anger management has been a familiar term for decades, so much so that it is often used in comedic terms. And while Adam Sandler can make anger funny, it seldom is in real life. But when anger doesn’t make the cut as amusing, it is rejected as an unwanted, ‘negative’ emotion. The phrase ‘anger management’ implies that anger is not ‘correct’ and that it must be reduced and ‘controlled’ in some way. But it is rarely that simple.
To understand anger, we must remind ourselves of the difference between internal experiences and behavior or external experiences.
It is NEVER acceptable to abuse, mistreat, violate or otherwise behave out of unregulated anger towards others. Not only does this harm our relationships and poses real risks in a society governed by societal norms built on human rights, but it damages our relationship with self.
It is, however, not only acceptable but imperative that we can learn to create space and understand the anger as part of our inner experiences. Why is this so important? Because anger, like many of our other emotions, is a message. Anger is what happens when our subconscious is telling our conscious, often overstimulated brain, that something is wrong. Anger is a defense, a reaction that happens when a part of us stands up in attention.
Anger is a sign that we are faced with something that goes against our values, that our boundaries are being threatened or violated, or that something is reminding us of a time when this happened in the past. To begin to regulate anger, we need to understand it, and allow space within ourselves to experience the anger and honor its function. Then, it becomes possible to respond without the anger controlling our behavior.
Anger management then becomes less about control, and more about understanding ourselves and allowing space to be able to make mindful choices about how and when we express anger. This is a much more fruitful and long-lasting endeavor, if only more complicated and less amusing than singling ‘I Feel Pretty’ in the middle of traffic.
